Is it Christmas?

Only around twelve weeks left to Christmas and, to be honest, this is the first time I am not looking forward to it.
Normally I cant wait. Buying just about everything I can think of that my kids will enjoy, plus getting them everything they list from Argos. (Argos, don't know why they think Santa shops with an Argos catalogue!) I loved walking up and down Oxford Street then Regent Street finally giving up and hailing a cab cos I cant lift all the bags of pressies I have. Then, once home, I'd take ages wrapping all the gifts with different coloured papers and tags and sparkly stuff. Then day two off to Romford, which is crap but has loads of stores positioned quite close together, so I could buy yet another plane load of toys for my girls. Occasionally I would pick a small gift for hubby, pants, socks etc. (Well if he cant give me some idea of what he wants, then I just choose the cheapest option!)
Once everything is wrapped the tree goes up, last year it was an upside down tree because you can get far more pressies underneath it.
And all this starts on 25 November! Tree up by 28th and ready for Xmas!
This year is different.
For a start I don't remember having 'The Summer'. I guess it must be S.A.D. setting in, as its cold and has been since June! So my energy levels are somewhat low to say the least.
Also having picked up the puppy for mega money, my credit card is also suffering from an illness! I can hear it crying whenever it is taken out of its wallet.
But the most terrible thing is there is nothing left for my children to ask for! What more can they need?
I checked the newspapers for 'The top ten toys for Christmas' and found a hamster that is interactive but it is priced higher than a real hamster! Although it does drive a car which is cool! Slyly adding it to a conversation the other day I was met with howls of laughter from my now 'adult' children who thought it sounded rubbish!
'So what do you girls want this Christmas'? I asked.
'A horse', said my youngest, who although takes riding lessons now, wants to bring each horse home from the stables like we used to bring pets home from school in the holidays!
'A mini convertible', says my eldest. She's 12.
I will never get a horse or mini under the tree this year unless I put the tree on the roof of the house. And the wrapping paper will cost the earth!

Its life, but not as I know it.

Last week we did something so unexpected, its totally changed our lives. Me and hubby made a spontaneous decision, and now, our day to day existence is unrecognisable from the week before. Now most people will be thinking, They have gone extreme green and resorted to living aka Tom and Barbara in 'The Good Life.' But no. We actually bought a puppy, that's all, and life as we know it has forever changed!
It sounds like I have realised a giant mistake has been made, but it hasn't. In fact this may be one of the best things we have ever done.
It was completely spontaneous. 'Shall we buy a puppy?' says Hubby. 'OK.' says I. Within thirty minutes of deciding on a breed, we went to the pet shop and bought it. I chose the breed so it was only fair for Hubby to name it, so 'Muttley' arrived home.
I knew what to expect, gnawing, chewing, eating, peeing, pooing etc constantly, with loads of sleepless nights thrown in, for at least a few weeks. But those thoughts were pushed aside by my Homer Simpson outlook on life and the mile wide smiles on the faces of my girls when they got home from school.
Amazingly enough, Muttley didn't, and still doesn't do any of the above! He sleeps all night, has never 'been' inside the house, and is a lovely bundle of cuteness, (see above photo).
Unfortunately I have been relegated to babysitter which means I don't go in any shops, but stand idly outside, suffering endless loonies who appear like magic to stroke the puppy and ask me stupid questions, like 'What is it?' Its a dog!!!! I also am in charge of 'cleaning up the poop'. Why? Because the rest of the family puke at the thought of it! Easier for me to clean up after the dog that clean up after the dog doo is covered in vomit!
I carried him around in my arms yesterday as it was chilly and he is quite warm! So now everyone calls him Spit. Thank god I don't look like Bob Carolgees!!!!
My home now resembles a childs farm extravaganza, with petting animals everywhere, and it takes ages to get everyone fed and watered at breakfast before the school run, but it seems, (at the moment anyway,) everyone is happy. And thats just the way I like it!

Where did the Summer go?

Only three days left till the kids go back to school, (sob, sob). One starting secondary, the other still in primary and it appears to me that, for the first time ever, summer didn't actually appear this year!
OK the actual holidays began, but the weather went elsewhere which was so annoying because it was so hot in March and June and will probably be boiling in October! But, just when you need it, the sun buggers off. Now I find global warming a bit crap to say the least, but I don't see any boffins telling us to change our summer holidays to some other season, although I did read somewhere we should have more than four seasons in the year, but I think this was some loony in Australia.
We took our annual week away last week, the final week of August, supposedly the hottest part of this country's year. But alas, Mr Sunshine also took his holiday at the same time, leaving us up North with gales, rain and five million Liverpool supporters! (I always thought Liverpudlians went to Ibiza but they obviously go to Blackpool now - recession!)
Now I like Blackpool. Although I would have preferred Spain, Turkey or Greece but, with disabilities weighing us down, travel insurance costs three times the price of a decent foreign holiday so this year England was our only option.
I like tacky holidays! There I've said it. But I mean that in the nicest possible way. Piers, donkeys, arcades, bingo, tons of sugary rock, entertainment on a par with the worst of Stars In Their Eyes - I find it all so appealing. The trouble is I find overly expensive pricing, terrible food, rude and nasty children, traffic jams and NO SUNSHINE absolutely horrendous and this year we got it all.
I always remember going on holiday as a kid, to Sandown on The Isle of Wight, and the best thing about it was the travelling. Bus to Waterloo Station, followed by a major dash down the platform with suitcases in tow to get any seat available on the crowded train! Followed by another mad dash to get to the ferry before it filled up, then finally another mad run to get the tube train round the Island. Mum, Dad and me dashing about with about a thousand other holidaymakers, all carrying buckets and spades, dinghy's, bags of all sizes and colours and babies. All so we could have a peaceful weeks R&R ready to do it all again for the trip home.
Now we have a car and by next year we will need to upgrade to a lorry as four cases and two wheelchairs, plus people do not fit into a Chevrolet, no matter how hard you squash it in!
Losing one wheelchair was the only option and I made do with crutches after stating, quite categorically, there was to be no major walking trips while away.
Now if any of you have ever been to Blackpool, you will know how the beach stretches for a zillion miles and parking there is not something the council allow! Also trams will only allow wheelchairs if there is room and they can be folded up, otherwise, 'tough', as I was informed by one wonderful conductress.
So most of the time was spent on one pier, where jugs, (4 pints) of watered down Fosters or Carlsberg went for £9.50. Hot dogs in stale bun cost £3.00. Any ride on the pier cost £4.00 and not one single bar sold Smirnoff!
Having, on a previous trip, sampled The Blackpool Tower, Ripleys Believe It Or Not, The Pleasure Beach and The Doctor Who Exhibition we decided on the Zoo and was, for once, pleasantly surprised. On our one day of sunshine, Blackpool Zoo was the highlight of the week. How come ring tailed Lemurs dont get red eye?
The rest of the week we were 'entertained' by the staff of Haven. If thats what you call it! Itinery went something like this;
All morning; Nothing
All Afternoon; Nothing
7.30 pm Bloke in a costume making you pay to take photos of him.
8.30 pm One mad woman forcing children to eat as many flying saucers as possible till they were sick.
9.30 pm Bingo
10 pm Fat greek bloke singing Boyzone 'classics' while staff stop anyone from dancing below the stage as it may 'Put the entertainer off'!
10 30 pm No idea, as we had gone into a coma by then.

Suffice to say the kids puking competition was a good laugh but the rest was dire! At least until three jugs of beer had been consumed, then it was all thoroughly good fun.
Dont let me put you off a little trip to Blackpool, I am prone to exaggerate somewhat, and guess where I'm booking now for next year???!!!












.

My goodness, has summer arrived already? It seems that, as I have been sitting here generally waiting for something nice to happen, Spring has come and gone. The kids will break up from school pretty soon and we will immediatly have to buy new school uniform for September otherwise it will have run out by August.
I figured i'd get in quick, by rushing off to Asda and buying up the entire stock in anticipation of my kids growing two extra sizes over the coming months. But I was saved from spending large amounts of money by the complete lack of clothing range in our local store! Buy Two Get One Free had become bugger off somewhere else you're too late!
Now I am in a quandrey? Should I wait until five minutes to September before running round like a headless chicken in a vain attempt to kids out my kids with;
Seventy thousand pencils, pens, rubbers, rulers, pencil cases, calculators, protractors, hole punches, staplers, plimsoles, kit bags, not forgetting a full school uniform at a cost of two hundred pounds just for the clothing!
Or should I tootle on down to the 'Official' School Uniform Store and order the clothing, at a ridiculously overpriced amount, so that it will be available on time.
Decisions, decisions. I rather like the first option, its cheaper, will take less time, and I will lose weight in the process.
On second thoughts perhaps I may teach the kids from home. There wont be any jobs available for them on reaching school leaving age anyway, and they wont be any thicker than the ones leaving school round here now! Plus we can all have a lay in every day. No school uniform to buy or tears from bullying. 100 % attendance records and no way they would be expelled!
On the other hand my food bills will be gigantic, Sky TV will have to be installed in EVERY room, and having the kids around constantly will possibly cause a nervous breakdown! In me, Hubby and the cats!
Official School Uniform Store.....Here I come!

Still here?!

Well as the title says, I'm still here. Though whether that is a happy, or not title depends on your point of view.
My operation went well, in fact I was in and out in less than six hours, but only because 30 minutes after my op I was stuffing myself with tea, roast beef, Yorkshire pud, roast potatoes and gravy. Followed by steamed orange sponge pudding with custard. Gorgeous it was too! Having the nurses hovering with one of those cardboard sick buckets didn't even put me off!
Hubby arrived to pick me up and home I went. Mind you if I had wanted to wait for some pain killing medication, I would still be there now, but I knew I had some at home, (It goes by the name of Smirnoff in our first aid cabinet,) so I did a runner, or hopper on my crutches, and got home in time for tea.
Mind you, that was five weeks ago and I'm still using crutches because my leg is stubbornly refusing to grow some more bone! Not much else to do now except wait.
So while I've been waiting we all seem to have come down with swine flu! It started with my youngest daughter, who never seems to become ill. We all went off to the beach on one of those sunny days and although I scouted for Mexicans, (watching for short, fat, sombrero wearing, moustached gunslingers), it seemed clear. Obviously one was disguised as a short, fat, eerily white with red blotches, sock and sandal wearing lager swilling day tripper, cos there were loads at Walton!
For ten days now she has been on antibiotics for her throat infection which has now turned into an ear infection, and although we have had two trips to the GP, it seems she has 'Seasonal flu'!
Now I may be wrong here, but I assumed our flu season started in October and finished in January but apparently not.
Now I have it too, as spending every night sleeping with an infected puking, coughing, crying child is not a good idea but it is what mothers do, especially when they think the world of their kids. I, apparently, do not need antibiotics yet, as obviously they are only given out when anyone is close to death. Also being British, I did not want to show any fear of a silly virus by asking if I should be tested. So meekly I left the GP, and am riding out the storm with some honey, lemon and paracetamol. I am also looking on the bright side, as if it is Swine flu, I will be immune when it comes back in the winter, thereby guaranteeing myself a chance of being first in the queue for shopping, first on the list for (decent) rehousing and possibly a chance of a GP appointment on the same day of asking. Perhaps even a dentist appointment!
Sadly the opposite will be true. A 28 Days Later scenario with swine flu zombies and deserted streets. Which to my mind sounds even better as we can take the kids to Chessington without paying a months salary entrance fee!
Roll on Christmas!

Been doing my best to get up and walking proper for the last couple of weeks, owing to my appointment at hospital. Still quite painful even though I should be better by now. Still the doc put me right on Tuesday last when he happily told me my leg isnt healing at all.
"The only option is to have another operation, taking out part of the pin holding your leg together. This will cause the bone to squish together, (His words, not mine!) thereby fixing it! "
"Ok", says I, thinking I would be waiting ages. But no says Mr Frankenstein, I have a clear slot next Thursday. Don't worry about the normal tests that are done to make sure you are okay for surgery, just get here for 06.30a.m and don't eat anything.
I don't mind the starving bit, I hate food and can go days without eating. Trouble is I'm one of the lowest of the low! Yes, I am a smoker! So yet another stay in a virtual prison, (You cant just go outside anymore, you have to walk off the grounds to light up)!, is so depressing. Last time I gave up completely for three days and I will do so again but when you are stuck on a ward, bored to tears and missing your family, decent food, alcohol, sky sports channel etc the last thing you need is to be gasping for a ciggy too!
I think hospitals need some sort of drive-Thru option, or the option to sleep in your own car. Its still legal to smoke in a stationary car isn't it?
Mind you, smoking seems to be the least of my problems. After all there will probably be thousands of pig flu sufferers wandering the corridors like a zombie invasion by then. (I thought I'd come down with it after my appointment the other day, but luckily I realised I'm allergic to the three new pets my kids have). Also theres the chance of MRSA or another blood clot episode. Hopefully I wont end up like the poor bloke who was left for 3 days dead in the toilet, but then I wouldn't put anything past the hospital that still shows off The Elephant Mans bones to all and sundry.
As you can tell I'm so looking forward to it. What with reading about hospital food on Cyberkim's blog, I believe McDonald's to be the only food to have while convalescing, normally at about 1p.m. That does me for the whole day usually.
So, if I havent posted again for months after Thursday, I will come back to haunt the internet, hopefully destroying the spellchecker, thereby ruining the lives of millions of illiterate internet users!

Decided it was spring cleaning time again. The time of year when things that are always covered in dust believe its their birthday and get a bath. Its a bit more difficult this year owing to my (still) extremly painful leg, and the fact that a disabled friendly vaccuum cleaner has not yet been invented.
Still if you dont try you'll never get the hump says I, so I went off to buy a Vax carpet cleaner. It was on special offer in B&Q but there was only one available about an hours drive from us. I promptly reserved it online and off we went.
We didnt need a sat nav cos hubby knew exactly where this B&Q was, but I hid it in the glove compartment cos I know what he's like! We arrived at the Gallows corner branch with no trouble, unfortunatly I wanted the Roneo Corner branch! As luck would have it hubby had left the sat nav in the car just in case!! (Lying bleeder)!
Got to the branch, waited half an hour for it to be brought from the 'Ring and reserve' lock up, and off we went home.
Ok, ready for action. Kids at school, sun shining brightly, will have the floor clean and dry in no time!
Now I dont really know what happened. Perhaps, for one split second, my brain decided the words 'Carpet shampooer' was the same as 'vacuum cleaner'. Or maybe aliens abducted the item I wanted without me knowing and replaced it with a bloody large vacuum cleaner which didnt wash carpets. Or possibly i'm a complete dickhead who cant read properly. I go for the alien explanation. Suffice to say I bought the wrong item.
Luckily we have a local B&Q who were nice enough to refund my money and also give me lots of little 'What an idiot' looks disguised as pity the poor disabled lady.
After that I was in no mood for joviality, so we headed for Comet where I can always find a salesman who pisses me off. They seem to be pulled there like magnets. Working forever in their own little world of perfect prices, excellent offers and sales to die for. Any difficult question and they are off to find their manager who is always a big butch cockney geezer with an answer for everything.
Had to get the lift upstairs but there were plenty of salesmen up there watching me pushing my metal wheelchair over the staticky carpet. Up we went and over to the carpet cleaners. Found what we wanted immediatly but then realised all the salesmen had gone downstairs.
Leaning over the escalator like an extra from Jackass soon got their attention, and the shiny salesman appeared.
Why is it, whenever I expect an arguement, get myself all ready to blow my top until i'm thrown out, do I get the salesman from heaven?
Perhaps my 'little wheelchair angel smile' has been perfected but within three seconds a £60 discount was offered.
And so, after six hours of sodding about, we arrived home with our new baby, a Vax carpet shampooer extrodinaire. Still too late to clean today, i'll do it in the morning when the kids have gone to school......
Today I dont feel like spring cleaning. Maybe next year!

Been a bit bored today. So bored in fact that I watched the football vide printer on this computer because I couldnt be bothered to wheel myself over to the remote control to turn the telly over. Well now the games have finished, and my beloved team has won, (Hooray), I thought i'd hunt arount the internet to find something interesting.
I spent the last week reading about the hidden ufo/nazi plot in antartica, which I found somewhat puzzling, as I thought all the ice had melted. So I googled Antarctica but it just came up white! Mind you theres quite a lot still left for the spawn of Adolf Hitler to hide under, so global warming better hurry up and melt their tunnels!
Amazingly enough I then took some time to look at my own blogger page and actually found some comments to my posts. Yes, I actually read them too. So if you are reading this blog for gods sake tell me what to do to follow you and reallyfatbloke cos I cant for the life of me figure out how to do it. All I keep getting is a request to follow myself!
I spent three hours this morning trying and succeeding in bluetoothing a picture of a Texas Ranger badge to a neighbour, (Unintentionally), when all I wanted to do was sent it to hubbys phone which was one inch away from my phone. Three hours and finally success but only because I bluetoothed the pic from my phone, to my computer, then over to the new phone. Technology eh!

This is hubbys screensaver, dont think he will get away with using it as i.d. but I suppose its worth a try. I had all the others, FBI, CIA, MI5 etc so he didnt have much to choose from. Perhaps he thinks he's Rooster Cogburn?


Now all I want to do is follow two people, one of which kindly follows me, yet there seems to be no pressable button of any description to help me.
This is the main reason I want to win the lottery. When an electrical item disobeys me, I can trash it. At the moment four mobiles, two laptops and a sky plus box is on my hit list. I cant afford to replace them all at the mo!

Strange but true?

Had a family day out yesterday. It was sunny for a change so we packed up the wheelchairs, kids, food, coats, spare clothing, more food etc and squished it all into the car. Plugged in the Sat Nav and away we went to Rendlesham Forest.
This is somewhere I have always wanted to go. Mainly because of the UFO incident back in 1980 which is still quite famous, but also because, in recent weeks, theres been tyalk of a large brown bear in the area. So fun for all, look at the sky or look in the woods, either way something is sure to be seen.
Well something strange happened to the sat nav, it couldnt find the Forest, (Has time and space been distorted already?), so we used the old fashioned method of Map reading!
Arrived, unpacked and started searching.
Pushing a wheelchair over the 'disabled' route was about as easy as pushing a wheelchair on sand! Still we pushed on into the forest, taking pictures as we went.
Suddenly we were attacked by what could only be described as a puma like animal! See above photo. Luckily, as both me and daughter were in wheelchairs, the animal must have thought we were riding large elephants and slinked off into the trees to attack less prepared ramblers.
We saw no UFO's at the time, but carried on taking photos.
I uploaded the photos today and one of the pictures caught my eye.




So, what do you think? THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!
Hahahahahahahaha

Had enough!

Its been a while since i've 'blogged'. Simply because I had nothing to say. But I have decided to write again just to get the seething anger off my chest. I know hardly anyone reads these things so I figured this would be the best place to go.
I am sick and tired of being told what to do with my life to make me live longer.
It doesnt seem to matter what it is, its either dangerous or unhealthy.
This is just a basic list of the things off the top of my head;
Smoking, drinking alcohol, drinking tap water, eating anything sold from a supermarket, driving, following the wrong religion, watching television, using a computer for too long, using a mobile phone, having pets, spending money, not having enough sex, using fossil fuels, boiling the kettle with too much water in it, having a bath instead of a shower, flying, ski-ing, horse riding, not going to the dentist, etc.
The thing is EVERYONE ON THIS PLANET WILL DIE ONE DAY.
There, i've said it. We are all going to die, whether we lead an ultra healthy life or not. Whether we become environmentally friendly or not. Whether we wear protective clothing or not.
Some of us will die before we are born, others will carry on till over 100 but the end will come.
Im not looking forward to reaching 65, with no pension and osteoarthritis, running the gauntlet of muggers every time I hobble down the shops. So god knows what it will be like aged 100. Possibly I will become a burdon on my family, who struggle to pay for care for me and earn enough to feed themselves, who knows?
Perhaps if the government relaxed a bit and allowed people to enjoy themselves a bit more, they will pop their clogs a bit earlier thus saving the government millions in unpaid pensions and a national health service bill. Who bloody cares anyway?

So, yesterday was Valentines Day! I wouldn't have known if hubby hadn't bought me a card. And flowers! He such a romantic, whereas I can't be bothered with that sort of stuff, if you're married then its bloody obvious you're in love aint it? Plus why waste money on cards and flowers when you can get a double vodka in for the same amount of money!
So off we all went to the local club we just joined. Cheaper beer than a pub, with two tellies. One showing the footie and the other showing the horse racing. A darts board, pool table and an neon exit sign for the blind smokers! What more do you need?
We started drinking at one, so by the time we'd been told there was an Elvis night nine hours later it was out of the question as;
1. We would have been so drunk by then that we would have needed sleeping bags.
2. I hate Elvis and would have thrown things at him if I'd had to sit through it!
3. Kentucky Fried Chicken was needed as you can only survive on packets of crisps for so long.
If we had left our seats for food, by the time we had come back only standing room would be left.
Lets face it, standing at the back of the bar, listening to a guy in white flairs and shades murder Blue Suede Shoes is not my idea of a valentines day!
Ive never understood the appeal of Elvis, but then I grew up in the Seventies where we had more rounded hero's, like Gary Glitter. So who am I to judge!
So home we came where Valentines day was rounded off perfectly, Raiders of the Lost Ark, chocolate, and bed! Heaven. Considering its also our anniversary, the day we met, I really should put a bit more effort into it! Oh well there's always next year!

Do so miss Vodka.
Ive abstained from alcohol for the past few weeks simply because my balance isnt up to much with a broken leg. Trying to use crutches at the same time as being pissed out my head was a definate no no.
The Smirnoff sat on the shelf, above the bar, looking at me forlornly. Im sure it called my name a few times last night during an episode of CSI. But I was good, ignoring its pleas to be mixed with some cola, although when the tv signal disappeared half way through with the murderer about to be unmasked, I seriously considered smashing the tv with the vodka bottle thereby killing two birds with one stone.
Instead I went off to bed, none the wiser at how Living channel can shut down in the middle of a programme. Is this the future of the digital age? NO SATELLITE SIGNAL BEING RECIEVED is the new test card! There was no storm. No cranes in view, (Two of the excuses I've recieved in the past) and all the other channels were working so what the fuck happened to the CSI team?
Ok, I know there aren't many programmes worth watching these days, but it would be nice to think you may get to see the entire programme you've tuned in to watch. It was bad enough missing that goal the other night but CSI? Thats a travesty!
When we all had analogue, programmes ran ok as long as your aeriel pointed in the right direction, but now we are in the technical age, a cloud can fuck up your viewing!!! Amazing and extremly annoying at the same time. Is each customer given twenty missing programmes per year?
In future maybe we can choose when our signals disappear. I would prefer anytime Lorne Spicer or Christiano Ronaldo are on screen, two people who I would vote for on 'Celebrity Sniper'. What a show that would be. It would run for years on my choices alone, but wouldnt be good for Manchester United, or The Labour Party!

Been stalking people on Twitter today. Not actually replying to them, just following their conversations, which is quite creepy when you think about it!
Daughter has settled in to a box set of 'Friends', so it gives me time to do things. But as i'm a lazy git, sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours typing and reading is, in my opinion, a good way to exercise responsibly!
I did try to make some important phone calls, but as the first one took two hours, I gave up for the day.
I noticed that quite a few 'twitterers' are extremly odd anyway so I fit in okay, and as I have more than 13 followers, i'm happy. (I was stuck on that dreaded number for about a week!) There always seems to be a few who just reply to celebrities in the hope a long lasting friendship will blossom. Unfortunatly most celebs on twitter just want to advertise their programmes or saleable merchandise. That or brag about who they've just spoken to! Or what 'freebie' they got in the post!
God knows why Stephen Fry wants 100,000 people messaging him 'Good morning!' Perhaps he's lonely?
Well there's only two weeks to go till I should be up and walking again, my boredom level is dropping quite quickly with Twitter and Arsebook, so I will be able to get out of the house and try living in the real wotld again! But only till September when the hospital breaks my leg again to fix the bottom bit, then I will be raring to go at trying to get Stephen Fry to 'tweet me! Ooh er missis!

Ive been looking at other peoples blogs and trying to work out:
1. How come they are postitioned well, and have some nice pictures on them?
2. Why they are so much funnier than anything I can think of?
3. Why none of these people are famous tv personalities as they would be far more entertaining than most of the crap on tv at the moment, (Except for Supernatural, obviously, and Harry Hill).

Its quite difficult writing a blog when you can see each slow boring sentence coming together, without a hint of professionalism, correct spelling or laugh out loud moments!
Perhaps that what blogging is all about? All these extremly funny posts have got it all wrong and should be writing for Cracked magazine, but instead they are stuck here with me, who may win Comatose woman of the year award if I stay like this for much longer!
In fact that may well be why I cant remember half of what I did in my lifetime. I was (and still am) so bloody boring that even I dont want to remember. Good news really cos I figured I may have Altzheimers, but no, just one of those sad bastards you dont want to sit next to at a party!

All those accidental broken legs when I was a kid was really people kicking the shit out of me so I would get sent off to hospital instead of ruining their day! Well tough! Now I know i'm gonna hunt you all down on Arsebook.
Friends Reunited? Rename Potential suicides reunited.

Been a bit busy this week. What with my broken leg, now my daughters broken leg, its like a disabled convention. Still she's enjoying going BEEP BEEP BEEP like a reversing lorry every time she backs down the hall. Just a shame that this home is hobbit size - neither of us have knuckles left after scraping them off passing through doorways.
We are thinking of going out to the shops soon, but need to make sure we dont injure any passers by. Their eyes may just pop out of there heads looking at two wheelchair people instead of just one! Amazing how all prejudice barriers are being broken down except for disabled people who cannot sue for being stared at! I shall look into this, could be a millionaire by the weekend!

Its been a bad time since I last blogged.
Cant say much more at present except im still fuming at how an organisation which is supposed to take care of children can force a child with a broken leg to go pot holing and be forced to walk while in extreme pain! Disgusting! At no time informing parents of any accident.

Seem to have gone into a coma today. Dont know what happened to mid morning. One minute I was eating fairy cake mixture, then the next I was eating fairy cakes and about four hours had passed!
I can see why prisoners are put in solitary, its driving me crazy! It wouldnt be so bad if there was something decent on TV but, after flicking through about seven hundred channels and landing on Bid-Up TV, I realised I was turning into Homer Simpson so switched off. Its more fun to stare at the wallpaper. After a while, I'm sure I can see an outline of the virgin Mary! I may tear that piece off and sell it on e-bay!
Still, im exercising my leg, and not getting far. Perhaps I should sue paracetamol manufacturers, their so called pain killers definatly are not! Renaming them useless chalk lumps that stick in your throat may be a more apt description.
I can feel my coma coming back on, and the wallpaper beckons.
Ta Ta

This is the worst day ever!!!
Leg is killing me, also have raging toothache! Painkillers not sure which direction to take so have decided to give no help to either area!
I have lost my daughter!!!!
She has gone off for five days on one of those school trips so the house is as quiet as a morgue!
I now only have hubby and youngest here, both of whom are stuck to the tv. There is more noise coming from the snoring cat!
There is nothing on the telly and everyone on twitter is ignoring me! I shall go watch a DVD. Something to take my mind off the throbbing leg and tooth. I think its a choice between The Dark Knight, or Casino Royale. No I think I will watch Zombies Dawn of the Dead. Sorted. Goodnight.

What happened to yesterday? So bored could barely keep my heart beating! Doesnt help that my leg just wont behave. Now the knee is painful so cant bend without yelping. Kids find that extremly amusing, so just sitting doing nothing.
I was going to rant yesterday about train journeys and 'quiet carriages', but I havent been on a train since 1989, thank god, cos its cheaper and more comfortable to fly.
Instead I will do something very British... Moan about the weather. Its cold and I hate the cold! Central heating on full blast, blanket surrounding my lower body, and still both leg and foot freezing.
Where is the sunshine? The wind has changed direction, but its still cold. More to the point, where's the global warming? Up in the arctic? Maybe I should book the next holiday there!
Cant book a holiday yet as last time we had a broken leg in the family, the airlines refused to take us, on the grounds of health and safety!!? What did they expect? Plane starts to crash and plaster cast becomes wedged in the escape hatch!! Perhaps they thought there was an arsenal of weapons stashed in the cast! Possibly now would be charged 'extra baggage allowance' for the weight!
I shall wait till Christmas, then book one of those 'granny' holidays. Twelve weeks in Benidorm, send the kids back every so often for school. Drinking Sangria and playing Bingo with a load of deaf Northeners. Heaven!

Well, bored to death today!

Where to start?
First memory?
Ok, that would be me being bounced down 13 flights of stairs in the pram! We may have moved into a brand spanking new block of flats but that didnt mean the lift would ever work! Funny though cos we lived there for about eight years and my overriding memory is of being bounced down 13 flights of stair then pulled back up them after shopping. I was wheelchair bound quite often as I used to break my leg twice a year. My mum used to have arm muscles like Arnold Swarzenegger!
Having had no previous cases of brittle bones in our family, noone expected me to break my legs. In fact, doctors used to either move my leg up and down, telling me I had cramp! (Until the screaming told them otherwise). Or they tried to get me to grass up my parents as child batterers! Good old fashioned Queen Elizabeth Hospital, they really knew their stuff!!
This went on for a few years until I acutally broke my leg while in a hospital having a check up for a previous break! That showed them. No one could say my parents did it cos I was skipping into the department at the time.
Well doctors being the brainy sort with extensive knowledge of everything , (but not in those days)! decided to send me to Great Ormond Street Hospital. Operations were planned and metal pins were inserted. The doctor was a nice guy, but I think his stitching skills were taught to him by Dr Frankenstein, still in those days infections were unheard of so I was plastered up and sent home.
(The above post is extremly boring so I am off to think about how to make my next one a little bit interesting and/or funny).

You know, when you can break a leg, without any warning, life becomes a bit of a minefield!
Do I run for a bus? is not an easy question to answer. If I run, I may bust my leg in mid stride, fall screaming onto the floor, look a complete fool to all and sundry, miss the bus and about three months of work, have to quit smoking while I spend days in hospital, an finally spend time at home, bored out of my brain while leg heals.
On the other hand do I miss the bus, wait in the freezing cold and rain for another while being targeted by knife carrying eight year old and his drugged up mum who are loitering at the bus stop?
Take a chance and run I say! Ive been taking a chance all my life and so far it has payed off magnificently.

Wow! Leg is beginning the resemble a leg, instead of a balloon. Happy days! Shall try using crutches today instead of wheelchair. Bit late though cos now the whole house needs redecorating as there are scratch marks about five inches above the floor, where my wheelchair footplate catches when I move! Also all the doors have dents in them where I bash them open.
Still, im feeling a bit better so I may start adding a bit of my life story on here for posterity, later though cos I'm in need of a cuppa!

Very tired. Knew I shouldnt have tried to change the beds without help. How the hell does any disabled person actually manage if they dont have help?? Exhaustion set in after one single and half the double, let alone the king size! Still Hubby to the rescue, (As usual).
Now I know theres no one reading any of this blog but if anyone does pop in for a read and can get past all my boring monotonous droning, could they let me know if I can change this blog so the postings read downwards instead of upwards. I mean, whoever read a book from the bottom of the page upwards? Its getting on my nerves. I shall go and look up the help page, anything rather than watch the rubbish my kids have got on! Green Green Grass! Could have been funny but sadly is not!

So excited! I have more than one person following me on Twitter! Am I sad or what? They obviously dont know who I am and will disappear in the next couple of hours, but its cheered me up no end so thank you to the three who follow me!

Woke up feeling a bit better for a change. Decided to change all the bedding while hubby was out shopping! Big mistake!! Was okay with the single bed, it only took about fifteen minutes. The double bed nearly killed me, as I had to manouver the bedding off and on while sitting on the bed. Managed to do pillows and bottom sheet but quilt cover had a mind of its own! Im sure it was trying to eat me! The quilt was staticky and I kept getting electric shocks. Must be all the metal work in me leg! I gave up after half an hour, out of breath, aching arms and throbbing leg! Hubby finished off then went and did the king size bed for me. What an angel!
Now sitting here bored to death! Back aches, leg hurts, arms gone a bit wibbly! Think I will take a hour off and go watch 'The Dark Knight' again.

So, I was forced out of house because of meeting with school. A meeting that could have taken five minutes over the phone but took 45 minutes travelling, getting in and out of car etc! My leg has decided to become agrophobic, any outside adventure makes it swell up! Still, daughters allowed on her 'growing up' trip next week once we ironed out the details. Lets hope it doesnt rain or her wheelchair will become bogged down and the pot holing and absailing will be a bit icky!
Spent the afternoon trying to think of a good response to Stephen Fry's competition but as usual ballsed it up by putting in the wrong number of 'L's. Another competition I wont win, still never won anything so it wont make a difference!
Now Hubbys taken over the 'putting clothes away after their ironed' malarky, (I cant get to the wardrobes!), I cant find anything to wear. Think he's put all my stuff in the kids wardrobes. I might wear some 'My little pony' socks tomorrow with a spongebob squarepants t-shirt. Those are all I have left, (Bet you thought I was wearing my kids clothes!!) Ha Ha.

Meeting today! Yes, I have to go out. Just got over the other day, had a hot water bottle taped to my leg last night and swelling has receeded.
Two weeks recouperation and now everyone thinks i'm fine! Lucky the swellings gone down otherwise would have turned up in baggy boxer shorts cos I couldnt get trousers on yesterday!!

Well what a great day yesterday was! Spent most of last night with a balloon siz leg, as it swelled up and was extremly painful. I have to go out, and cant leave my leg behind, so it will have to get used to it!
Better take it easier today, or I wont be able to get my trousers on cos my leg is extremly fat! Perhaps where im sitting on my a**e all day makes the food travel down to my left thigh!
Only five weeks to my hospital appointment so will try to stay alive till then.

Managed to get out of the house for a while, went to Sainsburys. Took five minutes to get in the car then had to hold onto my leg for dear life as we went over every speed hump and pothole in London!
Ive waited two weeks to go to the shops and as expected, when I got there it was crap as usual! Why is it whenever anyone is in a wheelchair, they seem like a magnet for the mental people that work there? No one would normally talk to me, but once confined to this metal monstrosity, every looney wants to stop and tell me their life story!
Im trying to look at the cat food, get stopeed and told how a large puddle stopped looney from getting to work dry this morning! What??? I dont bloody care, it was raining anyway so its bleeding obvious you are gonna get wet!
Im trying to work out whether I need a new 'digital' iron for twenty quid or make do with the manky, brown dripping useless 'analogue'? one I already have, which is on the middle shelf, when my hubby is asked if 'she' wants help from the top shelf???!! What am I deaf and dumb now too? For christs sake I have a broken leg! Im not comatose!
Well suffice to say, im not going out for another two weeks at least cos its a bloody waste of time!
Oh, and I didnt buy the iron cos I bought some descaler for two quid instead. (Credit drunch and all!) Last time I did this I blew up the iron and had to buy a new one anyway. Lets see if the SAS videos show me how to disarm an iron!!

Time for bed, knackered as usual. Not even ten o'clock yet. I must be turning into a pensioner! Awake by seven, cats need to eat at that time, (How come I cant eat anything till about midday?) Sort the kids for school, then its my big shopping day out! Hooray. (Or not, depending on how much pain I am in).
What a sad, old bleeder I am! Night Night.

Decided i'm gonna go out tomorrow! Just cant take sitting here doing nothing anymore. Now im getting all excited - and im only going to Tesco's! Sad but true, two weeks without browsing the stores drives me crazy!
We cant go out at weekends, cos then the girls are home from school and our car is too small for two wheelchairs, so we have to share. The boot space only allows onw disabled person to go shopping at a time! Obviously need a bigger car, or perhaps a two seater wheelchair - I could invent it. One person above the other like a bus, then when we shop, the top aisles could be reached by one and the lower aisles by the other. Or I could cover myself with a blanket, then my daughter would look really tall with extremly long arms for pushing.
Woud have to incorporate a step ladder for the top deck but that should fold up with the rest of the wheelchair. Going off to draw up some blueprints!

Spent last night watching 'Ultimate Force'. The box set, which belongs to someone else. They want it back today but trying to watch 24 episodes in 2 days is unattainable! I feel like ive been indoctrinated into the SAS!
Good job im confined to this wheelchair otherwise I might just have camouflaged myself up and 'took someone out' Ha Ha Trouble is you would hear this chair creaking before I got close enough to administer the 'One thumbed, neck manouver'. It took me 20 minutes to get out of the bath so my next victim would probably have to be in a coma if I have any chance of success!
I remember when I was a kid I could use crutches without falling over. Those crutches were like light sabers, Or pump action shot guns, whichever took my fancy. I could hop across the room, fire off a few rounds, whack me dad over the head with them and still have time to escape up to my bedroom. Now it takes forever to manouver through a doorway!

Morning all, been up hours cos my leg is quite painful, and the cats were jumping about on the bed with their legs crossed. Either they needed to pee, or were learning to Riverdance!
I tried to be quiet and not wake anyone else, but this wheelchair has put on weight and cant get through any doorway without smashing into things! Still, been up a while and the kids havent come in so they must be having a lay-in.

I also seem to have picked the only month where the tv listings are absolutly rubbish. There are only so many Spongebob Squarepants episodes I can take, and they seem to be on an endless loop!
The kids memory for cartoons seems very short, they can watch the same episode within an hour and still say they have never seen it before. Likewise Husband, whose memory for 1943 black and white war films is on a par with the worst case of Altzheimers!
None of them like horror films so I have to find a time when they are not about to watch something I like! Did manage to catch 'The Mist' yesterday which wasnt bad, but now having to suffer yet another episode of 'Hannah Montana'!!!!!!!!!!! God give me the strength to up and walk??? OOOOWWWWWW he's not listening!

You'd think a broken leg isnt much trouble, but its pretty annoying when you cant even reach the fridge to get the milk out for a cuppa! Good job i've got 24 hour home help (Husband)!
I used to be so good at breaking legs and managing, back in the seventies and eighties when I was a kid, but now i'm out of practice so any task takes blooming ages!
The worst thing is I never seem to be warm! Always sitting freezing, whether the central heatings on full blast or not. Being ill must be quite a strain on the environment! All that wasted heating making a bigger hole in the ozone layer. Maybe I shall put another blanket on me to save a polar bear.
Ive been given a walking frame by the hospital to help with getting back on my feet and exercising, but whenever i'm using it, my kids call me 'Racing Granny' and i puts me off a bit! Still it beats running the cats tails over when i'm in the wheelchair - they never move, just wait for me to pass by. The scream is horrific, i've only done it once but now I wait for them to move cos it sounds dreadful! But its okay when they jump on the bed in the middle of the night and try to curl into a ball on my broken leg!!! I can scream louder than the cats!

Hi all, this is my first post on any blogging site. The reason being is for the first time in twenty nine years, I have a broken leg and am stuck indoors with sod all to do.
Been here for 11 days now and although the world wide web is vast, it gets a bit monotonous after a while so I thought I would try writing a blog to see if it cheers me up a bit.
The leg break thing wasnt an accident, unlike the other 26 broken legs i've had over my lifetime, no, this was an enforced break. The doctors must have really had a great day smashing my leg to bits cos its hurts like hell now!
They dont plaster you up anymore either, so i'm expected to be up on crutches immediatly (Yeah right!)
It didnt help that after my operation the doctors thought I had DVT, (Deep vein Thrombosis) and frightened me half to death telling me I probably only had 24 hours left to live!! Luckily they were fibbing and I am still here....Or am I?
I could possibly be dead and living in an alternative universe but thats a different story!