DIY the right way!

Its been a while since I posted here, mainly because I have had an uneventful, (read boring) time out here in 'The Sticks'. But after a Canadian friend mentioned that I hadn't posted for a while, I realised that some people can waste their time on my inane rubbish, so I thought I would once again try to raise a few laughs.
Today was eventful. It started with a good idea and ended with a knee that is as swollen as a balloon.
The front of our home has a drive which is old, pot holed and not large enough to reverse the car without either hitting the neighbours car or driving over the grassy area. So hubby decided to cut up some of the grass and lay a bit of concrete over it. He would also fill in the pot holes so that daughters wheelchair wouldn't tip her out into oblivion every time she was pushed out of doors. Not a large amount, about two foot square, but for us far more than we anticipated!
Now I don't mean to sound rude, but hubby doesn't do anything very well. Mainly because he broke his back a few years ago and has trouble lifting a tea bag! But also because he's a regular bloke. You know what I mean, thinks everything is perfectly finished when, in fact, it looks like a monkey has been employed. So it was down to me to help.
He cut out the grass and stopped for tea. I started mixing then stopped for tea. We both have qualifications in tea breaks! He layed the concrete, a bit at a time while I crawled around on the mud smearing it into place. After about an hour, one third of it was done. We stopped for tea.
Then a neighbour arrived. With his two dogs. Who were not on the lead. After a while he went away. After he had written his name in the concrete! I crawled around on the floor smearing away the paw prints and his signature. Mustn't be rude, I thought, after all he is from Countrybumpkinland and probably thinks every bit of fresh concrete is a piece of The Hollywood Walk of Fame!
We carried on.
Another hour passed and it was looking good. Not good, professional good, but reasonably cack handed good enough.
We carried on.
Finally we finished. I thought it wasn't bad. Quite smooth and angled slightly so the water wouldn't pool. He thought it was immaculate.
I couldn't get up. He couldn't bend down. So I dragged myself up his leg while he made rude remarks that would have got a TV presenter the sack! Boys eh!
Slowly, I dragged myself in to the kettle while he tidied up his tools! snigger snigger. (Oh dear Ive turned into Benny Hill)!
After making two cups of lifesaving Sainsbury's own, I shuffled to the window to check that all was well. It didn't once cross my mind that I should never have left him outside, but that will be something to remember next time. He had decided to park the car. Yes. He had decided to move the car into its parking area. Very carefully reversing over the freshly laid and extremely smooth concrete, the back wheels missing it by miles.
Unfortunately the front wheels went RIGHT THROUGH IT!!!!!
Laugh? Yes of course we laughed. Our life is like that. It was funny. That's why we work so well together. We are both now in agony. My knee is so swollen I am using crutches. His back is so painful he is laid out on the floor. But tomorrow its off to B and Q for some more concrete and another go. It may look like a bunker when we are finished, but will come in handy for when I kill the neighbour and his dogs!

I've always known I have a very short attention span. Ever since I was a child I would fervently start a project of some kind, only to see it years later, half completed, in the back of my toy cupboard. It may have been because twice a year I was whisked off to hospital with a broken leg, and while away, would start a project forced upon me by some well wishing hospital teacher. Or it may well have been because I was deathly bored with waiting for the finished prize, which in my mind should have been completed within an hour of starting! Probably the latter because it still happens now, and my last hospital admittance was nearly two years ago.
I find many different things absorbing, which is also part of the problem. The Internet has become an evil entity in my life because as soon as I surf for information on my chosen project, something else pops up and I follow the links to start something new!
Luckily computers hadn't appeared when I was young so my life was full of 'hands on' subjects. One of my first loves was anything to do with dinosaurs. Books were bought, visits to museums were arranged and I would spend hours drawing them, building them and talking incessantly to any poor person who stood next to me long enough. I was about 7 and could spell even the most difficult dinosaur name, something of which my mother was very proud. I always wondered why we were never invited to many partys!
The trouble is, most of the information I amassed back then is now totally wrong! I still have a wonderful book, (I am a secret hoarder too), called 'Life Before Man' in which many of the prehistoric animals have now been found to be many different species, cobbled together by well meaning scientists who just simply, 'Got It Wrong'.
At the same time, music appeared in my life. Stuck in hospital again, my parents bought me a battery operated record player. Visitors used to bring me 7'' singles to stop me talking I suppose, but that's when I fell in love. He was a gorgeous pop star, whom I adored. Again I received everything to do with him. Posters, albums, t-shirts etc. Aged 8 or 9 there was nothing else in life, was there? I knew, one day, I would meet and marry him and live like a princess for the rest of my life. Sadly it was not to be. Or should that be thank god? For that was Gary Glitter, a name now scrubbed from history, (and The Spice Girls movie), never to be mentioned except occasionally at Christmas when someone, somewhere plays one of his songs.
I decided sport was the next option. I started playing tennis, but kept treading on the balls and guess what happened??
So armchair football was chosen and, to this day, it is the only thing I am still as passionate about as when I was a child. I can actually remember watching The Arsenal 'doing the double' in 1970/71, (but that must be wrong because I was only 5)! So I think it must be the 1979 FA Cup win that sealed my love for the team. I definitely remember my grandfather handing me a small wooden coffin, inscribed with the entire squad names, before the game. (He hated them)! But my mum was a gooner who had been to many of their home games, and my Uncle had been groundsman there, in the Thirties, so I was in good company. The game was unbelievable with Alan Sunderland scoring a last gasp winner against United. I had another broken leg so couldn't jump for joy, but the tears I shed were some of the happiest tears of my life!
Around this time I was packed off to boarding school, which opened up a whole new world to me. I learned to smoke, drink and play snooker, all by the age of 14! Snooker was my second favourite thing in the list, but again I threw myself into it. I was picked to play for the South of England Region and was ferried around by my P.E. teacher to different 'dives' every few days. The look on the faces of my opponent when I walked in was so smug compared to his face once I had beaten him! A grown man being beaten by a 14 year old, 4 foot six inches tall, disabled girl was magical for me but not so much for him, or his mates watching. I think there were about five rounds and each one was the same. The final was to be played in Reading and I beat a fellow southerner, Christopher, to get there. But, by then, I was bored! I didn't want to play anymore, and I was giving up a weekend at home, (I only came home from Boarding school on odd weekends). So I told Chris to take my place and he went on to win it! He had a nice trophy for his parents, and I had a better weekend with my parents, at home, in London.
Another of my ongoing interests was and still is, anything strange/supernatural. Ive lumped it all together because its far too large a subject to take one by one. Ghosts, UFO's, Unexplained phenomenon, cryptiods, unsolved mysteries... you name it, I love it. Did you know that Stonehenge is only 50 years old? But by far the best is Jack The Ripper. Having lived in The East End, its a place that I adore. Obviously having also spent plenty of time in The Royal London Hospital, Whitechapel, its also an area steeped in quite a few other horrors which nurses seemed to enjoy informing me on each visit. The Elephant Man's bones are kept in this hospital and so is some of mine. A piece of my femur, about three inches long, is still sitting in my surgeons briefcase after he removed it, because I asked if I could have it. I wanted to make a pendant out of it and I'm still waiting for its return! Another of my skills which is odd!
And so on to my favourite thing of all. Television, video and movies. Wonderful stuff full of special effects and magic. I can relate periods of my life to certain shows on TV and have a favourite movie for just about every year. Being stuck in bed for long periods was sometimes a blessing as I could watch what I wanted all day long. From Whirlybirds, Starsky and Hutch, The Sweeney, The Professionals, through to today with Buffy, Angel, Supernatural, Medium, Ghost Whisperer and so much more, TV is amazing. Likewise movies, I remember going to see Jaws when I was 9 or 10, and it felt like the film had been made just for me, even though the cinema was packed. That was when my love of special effects started, which is why I make all the Halloween stuff for friends and family. I could go on about this subject for pages, but I feel I have already typed more than enough for now.
So now you know how short my attention span is. I started this page to talk about all the stuff Ive tried, and managed to forget what I was doing within the first paragraph! Nowdays I have millions of snippets of interesting information stored in my head, but, with the beginning of pre-pensioner Alzheimer's, I scramble it up and it all comes out in splutters which is totally useless.
And that last sentence describes my life to a tee!

New home, new me.

Moved home recently. Left my beloved London for pastures new! I am now an 'L' plate country bumpkin. Amazingly, my hayfever has disappeared now I live surrounded by pollen, rather than when I was surrounded by exhaust fumes and airplane chemtrails covered my washing line. The only downside is I have become rather slow. When I say slow, I mean everything I do takes longer than it did in the city. That may be a good thing for my heart, but it is doing my head in!! I now leisurly wander from room to room cleaning, instead of rushing about like a blue arsed fly tackling every job at the same time. I make telephone calls, 'When I feel like it', instead of 'NOW NOW NOW', and I shop if something is required rather than all day every day!
We have a very large garden. Well it is for us! I actually ate one of the strawberries hubby grew. Then I waited to die knowing that my body was used to the pesticides and poison which come free with supermarket fruit. Im still here so I might have the peas with my Sunday roast at the weekend!
Ive also become totally bored with 'The Internet'! All my oddball sites I used to love have become stale and predictable and theres never any new news on my favourite subjects although I was intrigued to read about the cursed mummy which sank the Titanic! Sadly a load of rubbish, but it had me enthralled for half hour.
Ive never been a fan of Facebook although I did, at one point, become addicted to a totally life wasting game called My City Life. So from this week, I will be shutting down these sites, to see how long I can live without them. (Probably far longer than with)!
I will still be keeping this blog alive, although god knows when I will write another. I had two drafts written at Christmas but deleted them just now because I couldnt be bothered to finish them!

Is it Christmas?

Only around twelve weeks left to Christmas and, to be honest, this is the first time I am not looking forward to it.
Normally I cant wait. Buying just about everything I can think of that my kids will enjoy, plus getting them everything they list from Argos. (Argos, don't know why they think Santa shops with an Argos catalogue!) I loved walking up and down Oxford Street then Regent Street finally giving up and hailing a cab cos I cant lift all the bags of pressies I have. Then, once home, I'd take ages wrapping all the gifts with different coloured papers and tags and sparkly stuff. Then day two off to Romford, which is crap but has loads of stores positioned quite close together, so I could buy yet another plane load of toys for my girls. Occasionally I would pick a small gift for hubby, pants, socks etc. (Well if he cant give me some idea of what he wants, then I just choose the cheapest option!)
Once everything is wrapped the tree goes up, last year it was an upside down tree because you can get far more pressies underneath it.
And all this starts on 25 November! Tree up by 28th and ready for Xmas!
This year is different.
For a start I don't remember having 'The Summer'. I guess it must be S.A.D. setting in, as its cold and has been since June! So my energy levels are somewhat low to say the least.
Also having picked up the puppy for mega money, my credit card is also suffering from an illness! I can hear it crying whenever it is taken out of its wallet.
But the most terrible thing is there is nothing left for my children to ask for! What more can they need?
I checked the newspapers for 'The top ten toys for Christmas' and found a hamster that is interactive but it is priced higher than a real hamster! Although it does drive a car which is cool! Slyly adding it to a conversation the other day I was met with howls of laughter from my now 'adult' children who thought it sounded rubbish!
'So what do you girls want this Christmas'? I asked.
'A horse', said my youngest, who although takes riding lessons now, wants to bring each horse home from the stables like we used to bring pets home from school in the holidays!
'A mini convertible', says my eldest. She's 12.
I will never get a horse or mini under the tree this year unless I put the tree on the roof of the house. And the wrapping paper will cost the earth!

Its life, but not as I know it.

Last week we did something so unexpected, its totally changed our lives. Me and hubby made a spontaneous decision, and now, our day to day existence is unrecognisable from the week before. Now most people will be thinking, They have gone extreme green and resorted to living aka Tom and Barbara in 'The Good Life.' But no. We actually bought a puppy, that's all, and life as we know it has forever changed!
It sounds like I have realised a giant mistake has been made, but it hasn't. In fact this may be one of the best things we have ever done.
It was completely spontaneous. 'Shall we buy a puppy?' says Hubby. 'OK.' says I. Within thirty minutes of deciding on a breed, we went to the pet shop and bought it. I chose the breed so it was only fair for Hubby to name it, so 'Muttley' arrived home.
I knew what to expect, gnawing, chewing, eating, peeing, pooing etc constantly, with loads of sleepless nights thrown in, for at least a few weeks. But those thoughts were pushed aside by my Homer Simpson outlook on life and the mile wide smiles on the faces of my girls when they got home from school.
Amazingly enough, Muttley didn't, and still doesn't do any of the above! He sleeps all night, has never 'been' inside the house, and is a lovely bundle of cuteness, (see above photo).
Unfortunately I have been relegated to babysitter which means I don't go in any shops, but stand idly outside, suffering endless loonies who appear like magic to stroke the puppy and ask me stupid questions, like 'What is it?' Its a dog!!!! I also am in charge of 'cleaning up the poop'. Why? Because the rest of the family puke at the thought of it! Easier for me to clean up after the dog that clean up after the dog doo is covered in vomit!
I carried him around in my arms yesterday as it was chilly and he is quite warm! So now everyone calls him Spit. Thank god I don't look like Bob Carolgees!!!!
My home now resembles a childs farm extravaganza, with petting animals everywhere, and it takes ages to get everyone fed and watered at breakfast before the school run, but it seems, (at the moment anyway,) everyone is happy. And thats just the way I like it!

Where did the Summer go?

Only three days left till the kids go back to school, (sob, sob). One starting secondary, the other still in primary and it appears to me that, for the first time ever, summer didn't actually appear this year!
OK the actual holidays began, but the weather went elsewhere which was so annoying because it was so hot in March and June and will probably be boiling in October! But, just when you need it, the sun buggers off. Now I find global warming a bit crap to say the least, but I don't see any boffins telling us to change our summer holidays to some other season, although I did read somewhere we should have more than four seasons in the year, but I think this was some loony in Australia.
We took our annual week away last week, the final week of August, supposedly the hottest part of this country's year. But alas, Mr Sunshine also took his holiday at the same time, leaving us up North with gales, rain and five million Liverpool supporters! (I always thought Liverpudlians went to Ibiza but they obviously go to Blackpool now - recession!)
Now I like Blackpool. Although I would have preferred Spain, Turkey or Greece but, with disabilities weighing us down, travel insurance costs three times the price of a decent foreign holiday so this year England was our only option.
I like tacky holidays! There I've said it. But I mean that in the nicest possible way. Piers, donkeys, arcades, bingo, tons of sugary rock, entertainment on a par with the worst of Stars In Their Eyes - I find it all so appealing. The trouble is I find overly expensive pricing, terrible food, rude and nasty children, traffic jams and NO SUNSHINE absolutely horrendous and this year we got it all.
I always remember going on holiday as a kid, to Sandown on The Isle of Wight, and the best thing about it was the travelling. Bus to Waterloo Station, followed by a major dash down the platform with suitcases in tow to get any seat available on the crowded train! Followed by another mad dash to get to the ferry before it filled up, then finally another mad run to get the tube train round the Island. Mum, Dad and me dashing about with about a thousand other holidaymakers, all carrying buckets and spades, dinghy's, bags of all sizes and colours and babies. All so we could have a peaceful weeks R&R ready to do it all again for the trip home.
Now we have a car and by next year we will need to upgrade to a lorry as four cases and two wheelchairs, plus people do not fit into a Chevrolet, no matter how hard you squash it in!
Losing one wheelchair was the only option and I made do with crutches after stating, quite categorically, there was to be no major walking trips while away.
Now if any of you have ever been to Blackpool, you will know how the beach stretches for a zillion miles and parking there is not something the council allow! Also trams will only allow wheelchairs if there is room and they can be folded up, otherwise, 'tough', as I was informed by one wonderful conductress.
So most of the time was spent on one pier, where jugs, (4 pints) of watered down Fosters or Carlsberg went for £9.50. Hot dogs in stale bun cost £3.00. Any ride on the pier cost £4.00 and not one single bar sold Smirnoff!
Having, on a previous trip, sampled The Blackpool Tower, Ripleys Believe It Or Not, The Pleasure Beach and The Doctor Who Exhibition we decided on the Zoo and was, for once, pleasantly surprised. On our one day of sunshine, Blackpool Zoo was the highlight of the week. How come ring tailed Lemurs dont get red eye?
The rest of the week we were 'entertained' by the staff of Haven. If thats what you call it! Itinery went something like this;
All morning; Nothing
All Afternoon; Nothing
7.30 pm Bloke in a costume making you pay to take photos of him.
8.30 pm One mad woman forcing children to eat as many flying saucers as possible till they were sick.
9.30 pm Bingo
10 pm Fat greek bloke singing Boyzone 'classics' while staff stop anyone from dancing below the stage as it may 'Put the entertainer off'!
10 30 pm No idea, as we had gone into a coma by then.

Suffice to say the kids puking competition was a good laugh but the rest was dire! At least until three jugs of beer had been consumed, then it was all thoroughly good fun.
Dont let me put you off a little trip to Blackpool, I am prone to exaggerate somewhat, and guess where I'm booking now for next year???!!!












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My goodness, has summer arrived already? It seems that, as I have been sitting here generally waiting for something nice to happen, Spring has come and gone. The kids will break up from school pretty soon and we will immediatly have to buy new school uniform for September otherwise it will have run out by August.
I figured i'd get in quick, by rushing off to Asda and buying up the entire stock in anticipation of my kids growing two extra sizes over the coming months. But I was saved from spending large amounts of money by the complete lack of clothing range in our local store! Buy Two Get One Free had become bugger off somewhere else you're too late!
Now I am in a quandrey? Should I wait until five minutes to September before running round like a headless chicken in a vain attempt to kids out my kids with;
Seventy thousand pencils, pens, rubbers, rulers, pencil cases, calculators, protractors, hole punches, staplers, plimsoles, kit bags, not forgetting a full school uniform at a cost of two hundred pounds just for the clothing!
Or should I tootle on down to the 'Official' School Uniform Store and order the clothing, at a ridiculously overpriced amount, so that it will be available on time.
Decisions, decisions. I rather like the first option, its cheaper, will take less time, and I will lose weight in the process.
On second thoughts perhaps I may teach the kids from home. There wont be any jobs available for them on reaching school leaving age anyway, and they wont be any thicker than the ones leaving school round here now! Plus we can all have a lay in every day. No school uniform to buy or tears from bullying. 100 % attendance records and no way they would be expelled!
On the other hand my food bills will be gigantic, Sky TV will have to be installed in EVERY room, and having the kids around constantly will possibly cause a nervous breakdown! In me, Hubby and the cats!
Official School Uniform Store.....Here I come!