Its life, but not as I know it.

Last week we did something so unexpected, its totally changed our lives. Me and hubby made a spontaneous decision, and now, our day to day existence is unrecognisable from the week before. Now most people will be thinking, They have gone extreme green and resorted to living aka Tom and Barbara in 'The Good Life.' But no. We actually bought a puppy, that's all, and life as we know it has forever changed!
It sounds like I have realised a giant mistake has been made, but it hasn't. In fact this may be one of the best things we have ever done.
It was completely spontaneous. 'Shall we buy a puppy?' says Hubby. 'OK.' says I. Within thirty minutes of deciding on a breed, we went to the pet shop and bought it. I chose the breed so it was only fair for Hubby to name it, so 'Muttley' arrived home.
I knew what to expect, gnawing, chewing, eating, peeing, pooing etc constantly, with loads of sleepless nights thrown in, for at least a few weeks. But those thoughts were pushed aside by my Homer Simpson outlook on life and the mile wide smiles on the faces of my girls when they got home from school.
Amazingly enough, Muttley didn't, and still doesn't do any of the above! He sleeps all night, has never 'been' inside the house, and is a lovely bundle of cuteness, (see above photo).
Unfortunately I have been relegated to babysitter which means I don't go in any shops, but stand idly outside, suffering endless loonies who appear like magic to stroke the puppy and ask me stupid questions, like 'What is it?' Its a dog!!!! I also am in charge of 'cleaning up the poop'. Why? Because the rest of the family puke at the thought of it! Easier for me to clean up after the dog that clean up after the dog doo is covered in vomit!
I carried him around in my arms yesterday as it was chilly and he is quite warm! So now everyone calls him Spit. Thank god I don't look like Bob Carolgees!!!!
My home now resembles a childs farm extravaganza, with petting animals everywhere, and it takes ages to get everyone fed and watered at breakfast before the school run, but it seems, (at the moment anyway,) everyone is happy. And thats just the way I like it!

Where did the Summer go?

Only three days left till the kids go back to school, (sob, sob). One starting secondary, the other still in primary and it appears to me that, for the first time ever, summer didn't actually appear this year!
OK the actual holidays began, but the weather went elsewhere which was so annoying because it was so hot in March and June and will probably be boiling in October! But, just when you need it, the sun buggers off. Now I find global warming a bit crap to say the least, but I don't see any boffins telling us to change our summer holidays to some other season, although I did read somewhere we should have more than four seasons in the year, but I think this was some loony in Australia.
We took our annual week away last week, the final week of August, supposedly the hottest part of this country's year. But alas, Mr Sunshine also took his holiday at the same time, leaving us up North with gales, rain and five million Liverpool supporters! (I always thought Liverpudlians went to Ibiza but they obviously go to Blackpool now - recession!)
Now I like Blackpool. Although I would have preferred Spain, Turkey or Greece but, with disabilities weighing us down, travel insurance costs three times the price of a decent foreign holiday so this year England was our only option.
I like tacky holidays! There I've said it. But I mean that in the nicest possible way. Piers, donkeys, arcades, bingo, tons of sugary rock, entertainment on a par with the worst of Stars In Their Eyes - I find it all so appealing. The trouble is I find overly expensive pricing, terrible food, rude and nasty children, traffic jams and NO SUNSHINE absolutely horrendous and this year we got it all.
I always remember going on holiday as a kid, to Sandown on The Isle of Wight, and the best thing about it was the travelling. Bus to Waterloo Station, followed by a major dash down the platform with suitcases in tow to get any seat available on the crowded train! Followed by another mad dash to get to the ferry before it filled up, then finally another mad run to get the tube train round the Island. Mum, Dad and me dashing about with about a thousand other holidaymakers, all carrying buckets and spades, dinghy's, bags of all sizes and colours and babies. All so we could have a peaceful weeks R&R ready to do it all again for the trip home.
Now we have a car and by next year we will need to upgrade to a lorry as four cases and two wheelchairs, plus people do not fit into a Chevrolet, no matter how hard you squash it in!
Losing one wheelchair was the only option and I made do with crutches after stating, quite categorically, there was to be no major walking trips while away.
Now if any of you have ever been to Blackpool, you will know how the beach stretches for a zillion miles and parking there is not something the council allow! Also trams will only allow wheelchairs if there is room and they can be folded up, otherwise, 'tough', as I was informed by one wonderful conductress.
So most of the time was spent on one pier, where jugs, (4 pints) of watered down Fosters or Carlsberg went for £9.50. Hot dogs in stale bun cost £3.00. Any ride on the pier cost £4.00 and not one single bar sold Smirnoff!
Having, on a previous trip, sampled The Blackpool Tower, Ripleys Believe It Or Not, The Pleasure Beach and The Doctor Who Exhibition we decided on the Zoo and was, for once, pleasantly surprised. On our one day of sunshine, Blackpool Zoo was the highlight of the week. How come ring tailed Lemurs dont get red eye?
The rest of the week we were 'entertained' by the staff of Haven. If thats what you call it! Itinery went something like this;
All morning; Nothing
All Afternoon; Nothing
7.30 pm Bloke in a costume making you pay to take photos of him.
8.30 pm One mad woman forcing children to eat as many flying saucers as possible till they were sick.
9.30 pm Bingo
10 pm Fat greek bloke singing Boyzone 'classics' while staff stop anyone from dancing below the stage as it may 'Put the entertainer off'!
10 30 pm No idea, as we had gone into a coma by then.

Suffice to say the kids puking competition was a good laugh but the rest was dire! At least until three jugs of beer had been consumed, then it was all thoroughly good fun.
Dont let me put you off a little trip to Blackpool, I am prone to exaggerate somewhat, and guess where I'm booking now for next year???!!!












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My goodness, has summer arrived already? It seems that, as I have been sitting here generally waiting for something nice to happen, Spring has come and gone. The kids will break up from school pretty soon and we will immediatly have to buy new school uniform for September otherwise it will have run out by August.
I figured i'd get in quick, by rushing off to Asda and buying up the entire stock in anticipation of my kids growing two extra sizes over the coming months. But I was saved from spending large amounts of money by the complete lack of clothing range in our local store! Buy Two Get One Free had become bugger off somewhere else you're too late!
Now I am in a quandrey? Should I wait until five minutes to September before running round like a headless chicken in a vain attempt to kids out my kids with;
Seventy thousand pencils, pens, rubbers, rulers, pencil cases, calculators, protractors, hole punches, staplers, plimsoles, kit bags, not forgetting a full school uniform at a cost of two hundred pounds just for the clothing!
Or should I tootle on down to the 'Official' School Uniform Store and order the clothing, at a ridiculously overpriced amount, so that it will be available on time.
Decisions, decisions. I rather like the first option, its cheaper, will take less time, and I will lose weight in the process.
On second thoughts perhaps I may teach the kids from home. There wont be any jobs available for them on reaching school leaving age anyway, and they wont be any thicker than the ones leaving school round here now! Plus we can all have a lay in every day. No school uniform to buy or tears from bullying. 100 % attendance records and no way they would be expelled!
On the other hand my food bills will be gigantic, Sky TV will have to be installed in EVERY room, and having the kids around constantly will possibly cause a nervous breakdown! In me, Hubby and the cats!
Official School Uniform Store.....Here I come!

Still here?!

Well as the title says, I'm still here. Though whether that is a happy, or not title depends on your point of view.
My operation went well, in fact I was in and out in less than six hours, but only because 30 minutes after my op I was stuffing myself with tea, roast beef, Yorkshire pud, roast potatoes and gravy. Followed by steamed orange sponge pudding with custard. Gorgeous it was too! Having the nurses hovering with one of those cardboard sick buckets didn't even put me off!
Hubby arrived to pick me up and home I went. Mind you if I had wanted to wait for some pain killing medication, I would still be there now, but I knew I had some at home, (It goes by the name of Smirnoff in our first aid cabinet,) so I did a runner, or hopper on my crutches, and got home in time for tea.
Mind you, that was five weeks ago and I'm still using crutches because my leg is stubbornly refusing to grow some more bone! Not much else to do now except wait.
So while I've been waiting we all seem to have come down with swine flu! It started with my youngest daughter, who never seems to become ill. We all went off to the beach on one of those sunny days and although I scouted for Mexicans, (watching for short, fat, sombrero wearing, moustached gunslingers), it seemed clear. Obviously one was disguised as a short, fat, eerily white with red blotches, sock and sandal wearing lager swilling day tripper, cos there were loads at Walton!
For ten days now she has been on antibiotics for her throat infection which has now turned into an ear infection, and although we have had two trips to the GP, it seems she has 'Seasonal flu'!
Now I may be wrong here, but I assumed our flu season started in October and finished in January but apparently not.
Now I have it too, as spending every night sleeping with an infected puking, coughing, crying child is not a good idea but it is what mothers do, especially when they think the world of their kids. I, apparently, do not need antibiotics yet, as obviously they are only given out when anyone is close to death. Also being British, I did not want to show any fear of a silly virus by asking if I should be tested. So meekly I left the GP, and am riding out the storm with some honey, lemon and paracetamol. I am also looking on the bright side, as if it is Swine flu, I will be immune when it comes back in the winter, thereby guaranteeing myself a chance of being first in the queue for shopping, first on the list for (decent) rehousing and possibly a chance of a GP appointment on the same day of asking. Perhaps even a dentist appointment!
Sadly the opposite will be true. A 28 Days Later scenario with swine flu zombies and deserted streets. Which to my mind sounds even better as we can take the kids to Chessington without paying a months salary entrance fee!
Roll on Christmas!

Been doing my best to get up and walking proper for the last couple of weeks, owing to my appointment at hospital. Still quite painful even though I should be better by now. Still the doc put me right on Tuesday last when he happily told me my leg isnt healing at all.
"The only option is to have another operation, taking out part of the pin holding your leg together. This will cause the bone to squish together, (His words, not mine!) thereby fixing it! "
"Ok", says I, thinking I would be waiting ages. But no says Mr Frankenstein, I have a clear slot next Thursday. Don't worry about the normal tests that are done to make sure you are okay for surgery, just get here for 06.30a.m and don't eat anything.
I don't mind the starving bit, I hate food and can go days without eating. Trouble is I'm one of the lowest of the low! Yes, I am a smoker! So yet another stay in a virtual prison, (You cant just go outside anymore, you have to walk off the grounds to light up)!, is so depressing. Last time I gave up completely for three days and I will do so again but when you are stuck on a ward, bored to tears and missing your family, decent food, alcohol, sky sports channel etc the last thing you need is to be gasping for a ciggy too!
I think hospitals need some sort of drive-Thru option, or the option to sleep in your own car. Its still legal to smoke in a stationary car isn't it?
Mind you, smoking seems to be the least of my problems. After all there will probably be thousands of pig flu sufferers wandering the corridors like a zombie invasion by then. (I thought I'd come down with it after my appointment the other day, but luckily I realised I'm allergic to the three new pets my kids have). Also theres the chance of MRSA or another blood clot episode. Hopefully I wont end up like the poor bloke who was left for 3 days dead in the toilet, but then I wouldn't put anything past the hospital that still shows off The Elephant Mans bones to all and sundry.
As you can tell I'm so looking forward to it. What with reading about hospital food on Cyberkim's blog, I believe McDonald's to be the only food to have while convalescing, normally at about 1p.m. That does me for the whole day usually.
So, if I havent posted again for months after Thursday, I will come back to haunt the internet, hopefully destroying the spellchecker, thereby ruining the lives of millions of illiterate internet users!

Decided it was spring cleaning time again. The time of year when things that are always covered in dust believe its their birthday and get a bath. Its a bit more difficult this year owing to my (still) extremly painful leg, and the fact that a disabled friendly vaccuum cleaner has not yet been invented.
Still if you dont try you'll never get the hump says I, so I went off to buy a Vax carpet cleaner. It was on special offer in B&Q but there was only one available about an hours drive from us. I promptly reserved it online and off we went.
We didnt need a sat nav cos hubby knew exactly where this B&Q was, but I hid it in the glove compartment cos I know what he's like! We arrived at the Gallows corner branch with no trouble, unfortunatly I wanted the Roneo Corner branch! As luck would have it hubby had left the sat nav in the car just in case!! (Lying bleeder)!
Got to the branch, waited half an hour for it to be brought from the 'Ring and reserve' lock up, and off we went home.
Ok, ready for action. Kids at school, sun shining brightly, will have the floor clean and dry in no time!
Now I dont really know what happened. Perhaps, for one split second, my brain decided the words 'Carpet shampooer' was the same as 'vacuum cleaner'. Or maybe aliens abducted the item I wanted without me knowing and replaced it with a bloody large vacuum cleaner which didnt wash carpets. Or possibly i'm a complete dickhead who cant read properly. I go for the alien explanation. Suffice to say I bought the wrong item.
Luckily we have a local B&Q who were nice enough to refund my money and also give me lots of little 'What an idiot' looks disguised as pity the poor disabled lady.
After that I was in no mood for joviality, so we headed for Comet where I can always find a salesman who pisses me off. They seem to be pulled there like magnets. Working forever in their own little world of perfect prices, excellent offers and sales to die for. Any difficult question and they are off to find their manager who is always a big butch cockney geezer with an answer for everything.
Had to get the lift upstairs but there were plenty of salesmen up there watching me pushing my metal wheelchair over the staticky carpet. Up we went and over to the carpet cleaners. Found what we wanted immediatly but then realised all the salesmen had gone downstairs.
Leaning over the escalator like an extra from Jackass soon got their attention, and the shiny salesman appeared.
Why is it, whenever I expect an arguement, get myself all ready to blow my top until i'm thrown out, do I get the salesman from heaven?
Perhaps my 'little wheelchair angel smile' has been perfected but within three seconds a £60 discount was offered.
And so, after six hours of sodding about, we arrived home with our new baby, a Vax carpet shampooer extrodinaire. Still too late to clean today, i'll do it in the morning when the kids have gone to school......
Today I dont feel like spring cleaning. Maybe next year!

Been a bit bored today. So bored in fact that I watched the football vide printer on this computer because I couldnt be bothered to wheel myself over to the remote control to turn the telly over. Well now the games have finished, and my beloved team has won, (Hooray), I thought i'd hunt arount the internet to find something interesting.
I spent the last week reading about the hidden ufo/nazi plot in antartica, which I found somewhat puzzling, as I thought all the ice had melted. So I googled Antarctica but it just came up white! Mind you theres quite a lot still left for the spawn of Adolf Hitler to hide under, so global warming better hurry up and melt their tunnels!
Amazingly enough I then took some time to look at my own blogger page and actually found some comments to my posts. Yes, I actually read them too. So if you are reading this blog for gods sake tell me what to do to follow you and reallyfatbloke cos I cant for the life of me figure out how to do it. All I keep getting is a request to follow myself!
I spent three hours this morning trying and succeeding in bluetoothing a picture of a Texas Ranger badge to a neighbour, (Unintentionally), when all I wanted to do was sent it to hubbys phone which was one inch away from my phone. Three hours and finally success but only because I bluetoothed the pic from my phone, to my computer, then over to the new phone. Technology eh!

This is hubbys screensaver, dont think he will get away with using it as i.d. but I suppose its worth a try. I had all the others, FBI, CIA, MI5 etc so he didnt have much to choose from. Perhaps he thinks he's Rooster Cogburn?


Now all I want to do is follow two people, one of which kindly follows me, yet there seems to be no pressable button of any description to help me.
This is the main reason I want to win the lottery. When an electrical item disobeys me, I can trash it. At the moment four mobiles, two laptops and a sky plus box is on my hit list. I cant afford to replace them all at the mo!